Guest post by B. Anne Hancock, PsyD

There’s nothing wrong with a married couple having an argument. In fact, some level of conflict
is a good sign because it means the couple is communicating, rather than hiding emotions and
avoiding intimacy. That said, there’s a big difference between the occasional disagreement and
nonstop squabbling. Do you feel like you’re always having the same fight? Has there been a
breach of trust that’s now bubbling up in little disagreements all the time? Perhaps life has been
overwhelming lately, and you’ve lost sense of what matters most. Whatever the case, if you’re in
a relationship where the fights never stop, you may need practical help to set a new course.

Keep reading for advice on how to get to the cause of constant bickering and resolve it before it takes
over your marriage.

Have you ever wondered why some couples communicate in a healthy way about disagreements
and others get bogged down in constant fights? One important key is what they’re arguing about.
For example, are you frustrated about who did the dishes last, or are you wondering if your
partner truly cares about you? When you’re sparring about where to spend the holidays this year,
is it about the travel plans or feeling controlled by your spouse? Couples who solve conflicts in a
healthy way have learned how to look past surface issues to what’s happening underneath them.
This allows them to cut to the main problem and expedites their ability to resolve it.

Even if you understand the root issues of a fight, you still need to work through them properly.
Healthy couples know not to have a serious heart-to-heart in the car before walking into the in-
laws’ house on Thanksgiving. They also steer clear of poor discussion habits, such as shouting,
attacking or refusing to look at the situation from another point of view. Rather, they choose
times when they’ll be able to focus and communicate clearly. They look for areas of
compromise. They focus on the reasons they want to be together and work towards resolution.

If fighting is the norm for you and your spouse, you may want to think about conflict prevention.
Happy couples know what does and doesn’t work, and they adjust accordingly. With that in
mind, consider the following strategies to prevent bickering before it starts:
 

1. Slow your reactions — In the heat of the moment, it’s all too easy to say something you’ll later regret. This can escalate conflicts and cause more down the line. To prevent this, take a breath when you’re feeling especially frustrated. If you can sense that you’re too angry to communicate calmly, go cool off for a bit before working through the issue with your spouse. Simply slowing reactions can give you time to process and de-escalate a fight.
   
2. Pay attention to other circumstances — What’s going on in your body, pressures at work, conflicts with other people and other concerns can impact the way you interact with your spouse. Rather than riding the emotional waves of those situations -- and the resulting outbursts that may impact your marriage — learn to notice what’s really going on. Are you feeling sick? Has work been crazy the last few weeks? Maybe it’s not a good time to bring up a big issue in your marriage.
   
3. Practice gratitude — Especially in relationships where conflict has been at a high, it can be hard to notice what’s working. This can prevent you from thanking your spouse for little kindnesses that are worth appreciating and make it easier to snap about everything else. Resolve to change this by keeping a gratitude list. Every day, jot done the thoughtful things your partner has done or said, and see how it affects your overall attitude. Simply by counting these little blessings, you may find yourself more soft-hearted and less adversarial.
   
4. Be willing to be vulnerable — There’s a big difference between voicing a demand and admitting a weakness. Choose to do more of the latter. When you’re willing to open yourself up to your spouse and explain how you’re hurt or struggling, it extends an olive branch toward understanding and reconciliation. It also can prevent another fight from occurring.
   
5. Be quick to apologize — Make it a habit to search your own heart and see where you’ve done wrong. Rare are the fights where one person is completely without blame. Successful couples know how to accept responsibility for their mistakes and ask forgiveness. When you admit how you’ve messed up, it paves the way for peace.
   

 
In marriage, one of the most important lessons to learn is when and when not to fight. If you’ve
been going through a period of major conflict, stop and think about what’s really going on. How
can you and your spouse move toward, instead of away from, each other? Use the tips above to
chart a new course for your relationship — and gain a more peaceful, happier life.

 B. Anne Hancock, PsyD is a prominent marriage therapist and founder of Wellness Counseling Center. A licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Hancock specializes in working with couples and families. She has a doctorate in Psychology and a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. Hancock always works from a wellness-oriented, non-pathologizing point of view — which means no blame, no shame. In addition to couples counseling services, Hancock also conducts personalized two-and-a-half-day couples intensives.

Love is not an emotion. (Joy is an emotion and many people do experience joy as a result of love.)

Love is an action - a decision to "will the good of another." Because love is an action, that also means that love (and consequently any and all relationships) require work. But... family life is busy. Between the constant needs of children, the demands of work, the unending household chores... how can you maintain the relationships you cherish? Of course, you show love to you family when do you things like feed them nourishing food or clean their clothes, but sometimes you need a little bit more than that to really keep those connections strong. Here are four tips to strengthen any relationship - spouse, child, or even a friend. 

Always tell the truth 
This one might seem obvious, but there's no quicker relationship damper than a lie. It's not always easy nor pleasant but having an open line of communication with your spouse is a guaranteed way to strengthen the relationship. Working through difficult situations can actually become a source of renewal in a relationship but only if the journey is not dotted with lies. 

For children, reassuring them of your love can help keep lying at bay. Telling lies can become a self-preservation mechanism if s/he thinks love will be withdrawn. A few weeks ago, I noticed my son had an accident but hid the evidence. I found the evidence and questioned him. He looked into my eyes and denied it - despite the fact that it was obvious. I told him I knew the truth and he looked flustered. "I didn't want to get in trouble," he explained. Of course, who would want to get in trouble? No one. I reminded him that no matter what, I always love him. Even if he does something wrong, I do not love him less. He immediately relaxed and confessed. The next day, he spilled some milk and came running to me. "Mama, I made a mess. I'm telling you the truth." At least for now, he no longer feels the need to lie about messes because he knows my love is unconditional. 

Wait for the right moment to give correction
I recently read an article about a father who defines his parenting style as "Mary Poppins" - for every medicine (correction or discipline) he gives, he first makes sure to lay on the sugar (love). I found this to be such a brilliant way to look at parenting and how true it is! 

How often have you been corrected and, instead of allowing the advice to better yourself, felt only bitterness at having been corrected? Have you ever done 10 things right and received criticism on the one thing you did wrong? It doesn't feel good, does it? In any relationship, there will be a time where one person offers constructive (hopefully, it's constructive) criticism. The key to offering the advice without damaging the relationship or crushing the spirit is to be careful attention to when you offer the criticism. Whether it's a spouse or child, how you to choose to give criticism or correction can really affect your relationship.  No one wants to be corrected in front of a whole group of people; if you can, pull aside your partner or child and speak privately. Don't add embarrassment to the issue at hand. 

Set them up to win
Setting up your spouse/friend/child to win is a great way to strengthen your relationship.  Why does this work? When you support someone, they feel encouraged, motivated, and loved by you which in turn creates a stronger bond between the two of you. This doesn't have to be anything extravagant; support can be something as simple as making their day easier.

• At night, prep the coffee pot. When your spouse wakes up, coffee is ready to help them get their day rolling. 
• Encourage your spouse to invest time in their favorite hobbies. 
• If your child plays an instrument, support them by encouraging practicing. Ask to hear their latest song. 
• Attend as many extracurricular activities as you can, but lay off the iPhone. Super-fan your kid. Avoid griping about driving them to practices, griping about driving can make children feel guilty for engaging in sports or after-school activities.  
• Create a comfortable environment for after-school homework. Teach your child the importance of an organized desk. Set them up for success. 
• If you can, make lunches the night before. It's one easy way to reduce morning stress levels. 

Learn their love language (and yours too while you're at it)
One of my favorite family-oriented books is the Love Language series by Gary Chapman. The premise of these books is that every experiences love in difference "languages." Learning the love language of your son, daughter, or spouse can dramatically affect your relationship. 

My older son's love language is quality time, and I see instantly how he is transformed by some good ol' one-on-one time. It doesn't matter if I buy him a boatload of new toys or spend 5 hours in the kitchen making him his favorite food or praising him for an hour, nothing says "I love you" (to him) like getting on the floor and playing trains or puzzles or building with Lincoln Logs. 

What are ways that you implement these four tips? Comment below!