Practical Strategies To Stop The Bickering

Guest post by B. Anne Hancock, PsyD

There’s nothing wrong with a married couple having an argument. In fact, some level of conflict
is a good sign because it means the couple is communicating, rather than hiding emotions and
avoiding intimacy. That said, there’s a big difference between the occasional disagreement and
nonstop squabbling. Do you feel like you’re always having the same fight? Has there been a
breach of trust that’s now bubbling up in little disagreements all the time? Perhaps life has been
overwhelming lately, and you’ve lost sense of what matters most. Whatever the case, if you’re in
a relationship where the fights never stop, you may need practical help to set a new course.

Keep reading for advice on how to get to the cause of constant bickering and resolve it before it takes
over your marriage.

What's behind all those conflicts?

Have you ever wondered why some couples communicate in a healthy way about disagreements
and others get bogged down in constant fights? One important key is what they’re arguing about.
For example, are you frustrated about who did the dishes last, or are you wondering if your
partner truly cares about you? When you’re sparring about where to spend the holidays this year,
is it about the travel plans or feeling controlled by your spouse? Couples who solve conflicts in a
healthy way have learned how to look past surface issues to what’s happening underneath them.
This allows them to cut to the main problem and expedites their ability to resolve it.

Working through an argument

Even if you understand the root issues of a fight, you still need to work through them properly.
Healthy couples know not to have a serious heart-to-heart in the car before walking into the in-
laws’ house on Thanksgiving. They also steer clear of poor discussion habits, such as shouting,
attacking or refusing to look at the situation from another point of view. Rather, they choose
times when they’ll be able to focus and communicate clearly. They look for areas of
compromise. They focus on the reasons they want to be together and work towards resolution.

5 strategies for preventing bickering before it starts

If fighting is the norm for you and your spouse, you may want to think about conflict prevention.
Happy couples know what does and doesn’t work, and they adjust accordingly. With that in
mind, consider the following strategies to prevent bickering before it starts:
 

1. Slow your reactions — In the heat of the moment, it’s all too easy to say something you’ll later regret. This can escalate conflicts and cause more down the line. To prevent this, take a breath when you’re feeling especially frustrated. If you can sense that you’re too angry to communicate calmly, go cool off for a bit before working through the issue with your spouse. Simply slowing reactions can give you time to process and de-escalate a fight.
   
2. Pay attention to other circumstances — What’s going on in your body, pressures at work, conflicts with other people and other concerns can impact the way you interact with your spouse. Rather than riding the emotional waves of those situations -- and the resulting outbursts that may impact your marriage — learn to notice what’s really going on. Are you feeling sick? Has work been crazy the last few weeks? Maybe it’s not a good time to bring up a big issue in your marriage.
   
3. Practice gratitude — Especially in relationships where conflict has been at a high, it can be hard to notice what’s working. This can prevent you from thanking your spouse for little kindnesses that are worth appreciating and make it easier to snap about everything else. Resolve to change this by keeping a gratitude list. Every day, jot done the thoughtful things your partner has done or said, and see how it affects your overall attitude. Simply by counting these little blessings, you may find yourself more soft-hearted and less adversarial.
   
4. Be willing to be vulnerable — There’s a big difference between voicing a demand and admitting a weakness. Choose to do more of the latter. When you’re willing to open yourself up to your spouse and explain how you’re hurt or struggling, it extends an olive branch toward understanding and reconciliation. It also can prevent another fight from occurring.
   
5. Be quick to apologize — Make it a habit to search your own heart and see where you’ve done wrong. Rare are the fights where one person is completely without blame. Successful couples know how to accept responsibility for their mistakes and ask forgiveness. When you admit how you’ve messed up, it paves the way for peace.
   

 
In marriage, one of the most important lessons to learn is when and when not to fight. If you’ve
been going through a period of major conflict, stop and think about what’s really going on. How
can you and your spouse move toward, instead of away from, each other? Use the tips above to
chart a new course for your relationship — and gain a more peaceful, happier life.

About the author

 B. Anne Hancock, PsyD is a prominent marriage therapist and founder of Wellness Counseling Center. A licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Hancock specializes in working with couples and families. She has a doctorate in Psychology and a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. Hancock always works from a wellness-oriented, non-pathologizing point of view — which means no blame, no shame. In addition to couples counseling services, Hancock also conducts personalized two-and-a-half-day couples intensives.

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